Saturday, March 24, 2007

I’ve Got My Number

One of the things I am notorious for is not attending to my own emotional and psychological well being. I just go blithely along while the scenery around me crumbles into dust going, “Who me?” What I mean to say is I haven’t, lately anyway, been paying attention to the usual markers that signal a need for a “tune-up”.

The other day one of those “markers” got my attention in a big way. I couldn’t swallow one of my vitamin supplements. It was a horse pill of a glucosamine pill. When I first got the bottle and realized how freaking big the pills were I had a fright. For the first few days I split the pills in half and swallowed them that way, but the edges would scratch my throat on the way down and I’d have my few seconds of panic while I fought them down. After 3 days of this I tried to swallow one whole. It went down okay. And, for the last couple of months, every morning, I’ve been having one of these horse pills along with all the other pills I take.
You can click on the picture for a larger view.

As it happens there are two things in my life right now sitting there, staring me in the face and producing large amounts of stress. One is that my husband’s last day of work at his job is next Friday. His plans are to write a book and to find writing jobs along the way. The other is my office is looking at some shifts in personnel and that always stresses me out.

Now, intellectually I know to watch out for the “markers” that clue me in that I’m under stress and need to do a little bit of psychological work. The idea is that you immediately repair to your bedroom, close the door and make yourself comfortable on your bed. You close your eyes, take a deep breath and seek one of the original causes of disturbance that occurred in your life waaaaay back in your childhood. And, you get mad. That’s all. You feel the anger and express yourself. We, all of us probably, weren’t allowed to effectively burn down the house, or to at least throw your toys out the window in a fit of rage as two year olds, right? Right. So, just do it in your head now as an adult.

I knew this. I’ve had fantastic results from spending 8 minutes doing this exercise in the past. It’s like it tunes me up for the next 12 months. What an investment. Right. I don’t do it. I drag my heels. I say, “Yes, I’ll go do it.” And, I don’t.

Meanwhile, my own personal indicators that I need a psychological tune up keep piling up.

So, as DeeDude told me he planned to quit his job I got a boil on my butt. That went away and a week and a half later I got another boil on my neck. Granted, this one could have been the bug bite in the night to end all bug bites, but I tend to think it was a boil.

Also, another of my “markers” is that I attract asshole drivers. It just never fails and there appear to have been a lot of them out on the road last week.

The latest thing that happened was I absolutely could not swallow my glucosamine pill yesterday morning. I gagged on it. I held it, slowly dissolving in my mouth, took another mouthful of water and tried again. Gag. So, I spit it out and resolved to try again later. I never did and this morning when I awakened realized that my neck and shoulder and back were all hurting. Now, I really don’t know if this is in any way related to me not having one measly glucosamine pill yesterday or my imagination, but I did finally put all the pieces together.

I have had trouble swallowing pills since I was a kid. This is a problem that goes way back in time. As an adult, I just figured that was how I was. Until, with the help of friends and a couple of therapists, I began doing my own “psychological tune-ups”. I never thought to tell anybody about this particular problem. Like I said, I thought it was how I was. Until a few years ago I realized that I was able to take all my morning vitamins and supplements in one big mouthful and swallow them all at once. I remember the first time that happened and I was totally amazed. It was incredible. No gagging. Just swallow all those little pills. I’m talking a lot of pills.

And, until this morning I never connected not being able to swallow pills to being able to swallow pills with my own psychological well being.

So, boils and asshole drivers aside, now I have a third marker I can watch out for that indicates I need to go spend 8 minutes doing my own mini psychological tune up. I can’t swallow anymore.

How do you do this, you might ask? Well, I’m not sure. I’m still a little hesitant about it. I don’t think I’m going to go lay down. DeeDude is still asleep and I’d probably bother him, so I think I’ll just sit here in front of the computer.

I suppose it could go along the lines of a past life or childhood regression. You sit quietly and acknowledge you’ve been stressed out. Know that everything is going to be okay. And, in your mind remember to your childhood and a time when you were stressed out. Remember a time when you were afraid. Allow the words or visions or impressions to come up for you. It’s not your imagination. You’re doing work here. Trust that what comes up is something that’s been bothering you in a major way.

Oh, it is difficult for me to do this. I don’t know why. I do not wish to place blame anywhere. I want to give the little kid in me the opportunity to express themselves. That’s all. I’ve floated back in time. I heard the words, “Safety and Stability”. I knew it had to do with that. Psychically speaking my mother was there to hold me and to tell me it was okay to do this work. She’s always been my hero. I don’t want to be mad at her, but part of this has to do with, I think, her teaching me to be nice, to not rock the boat, to look the other way. I think.

One of the guides just said, “It doesn’t matter what you think. It matters what you do.”

I’m going to electrocute myself with all these tears running down my face….they’re going to fall into the keyboard and electrocute me.

Right. Can I think of any other reason not to do this work? I’m telling you, I find all sorts of excuses.

Okay…I’m going back in again. Tears relieve the pressure. They don’t fix things. The idea then is to go back to a time when I felt my own personal safety and stability of life wasn’t right. And say something about it. Imagine in my head that little short me, no higher than somebody’s knee cap has a plastic baseball bat and I’m going to beat the crap out of the floor…or their foot…or something. And, say the one of the only word I knew at the time, “NO”.

Okay…I don’t know if this worked. Maybe later on this morning when I take my vitamins. Maybe that old horse pill of a glucosamine pill will go down easily. I’ll let you know.

....Later: Yes, I was able to swallow the old horse pill okay. I guess this stuff really does work.

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