Ugh

Once upon a time I was in the mode of learning something new each week. I think that's pretty much gone by the wayside, unless you count last night when I actually had a pretty good sense of having felt and played with my aura. I'd described the procedures to Thayer that afternoon and since it had been awhile since I'd done it I tried it out myself. It had actually been awhile and being as how I did TWO channeled readings yesterday, I thought to celebrate in a New Age sort of way. Played with my aura. And, it was pretty cool. I tried an experiment with it too and I blew between the palms of my hands as they hovered palm to palm about an inch or so apart. Just to see if I could blow the aura out of the way. All it did was distract me and I lost the sense of feeling. Couldn't much get it back again. At the time I was half watching Atilla the Hun. Damn 4 hour movie. If I'd known at 8:00 pm it was going to last that long I would never have started watching it...but, in for a penny in for a pound sort of thing and I stuck it out. Anyway, I'm glad I watched it even though it was so long.

I started diabetes medicine yesterday...glucophage 500 mg a day. Hopefully, that'll stop whatever started spiraling out of control a few months ago. I have noticed an almost insatiable appetite. I'll eat and be hungry 10 minutes later. It's very strange. And, not good for a fat person. Also, I get extremely tired. There were two times last week while I was testing my glucose readings when I hit 228 in the evening and those evenings I couldn't stay up past 7:30 pm. Didn't do my orders those nights and just collapsed into bed unable to do anything else. Scary. Also, I'd hit tired spots about mid afternoon at work -- yawning like crazy. Hey, I'm not bored...yawn. And, the last unusual thing I noticed was that I could fire up a temper so quickly you wouldn't believe it. Not moody or sad like happens a week before my period. Just hugely angry at stuff. Minor stuff. I came to be aware of hte readings only because I had a doctor's appointment scheduled on Friday. Since there wasn't any lab work scheduled I figured I'd best get some readings together for my doctor to look at. He didn't get all wired about it, but he did say as he looked at them, "Now, I know what to do." He gave me the choice of diabetes medicine or cholesterol medicine. He said my cholesterol was low and on the good side my bad cholesterol was nice and low, but that goes hand in hand with diabetes stuff. They both tend to feed on each other. Swell.

He's been after me for years to lower my weight and get more active. I've got a head thing about both. This is a woman who threw up on a pretty regular basis for over 20 years and nobody knew anything about it. This is a woman who depended on that bulimia to keep her svelte. All I can say is bulimia ranks up there real high on the effective weight control measures. Because once I stopped that? And, when I stopped smoking and drinking? Blammo. Blimpo.

Anyway, he was real civilized about it and said that I'd kept it under control for 3 years and he'd been pleased with it, but now it was time to take another step. I sat there thinking this man is so kind to me who has failed miserably. But, I had to fail. Had to. Losing the weight...becoming svelte again? That's the scary thing. Being taken seriously because I look hot? Nobody looks twice at a fat person. They just don't. Fat people don't have to do things other people enjoy. Oh, well, this is definitely stuff for the Private Journal.

I have the sense that I need to hurry up and do some more work. If I'm not going to get another book published I need to spend time on the website. There needs to be a body of work up there that can stand and help people for a long time to come. I know in my heart this is good stuff for people to hear. It can help them to be happier; it can help them to have hope more easily. It helped me. Even though I'm not "fixed" completely, nor will I ever be, I suppose. But, I'm better. And, from the reactions I've had from some of the readers the things the guides say help them too. So, I need to be healthier. I need to become more productive and sit still long enough for the guides to channel stuff...or, me to channel for them. As long as I've done this I still don't get the lingo right sometimes.