Yearning

When I was learning how to channel much of the time I was imagining. I didn’t yet know what it would feel like. I wasn’t even sure what it would feel like, but in order to get me there I imagined what it was like. I suppose it is the same as if you were standing in front of the bathroom mirror rehearsing a speech you needed to give, something for a group of people, like a dialog in front of your Spanish class, a salvo fired off at your arch enemy or an entreaty to a boy you had a crush on.

I love to read. I especially love to read romance novels. It’s funny because I’ll show pictures of the heroes on the covers to my husband, with their shining chests bulging with very impressive muscles. He makes funny noises. It’s fun to hear him. Anyway, I love to read. I’ve got some favorite writers. One of them is Jayne Ann Krentz. She writes under a bunch of pseudonyms depending upon which genre she is writing in. I’ve read many of her books over and over again. And, for the 10th time now I’m reading, “Eclipse Bay”. But, this time is sort of different.

In addition to loving to read I also love to write. Well, I write here in the blog. I write for the guides, but that’s channeling. They utilize the skills I’ve developed as a writer so that it all looks okay, but I don’t really consider it to be me doing writing. That’s what this is. But, what I’d love to do, what I know would fulfill a yearning inside of me would be for me to write another book. It would take a lot of energy. I don’t know that I have the time. But, it’s like this yearning is getting to be too strong for my excuses.

What I want is to become acquainted with my characters. When you write a story it’s really just the tip of the iceberg. What the writer has done that you, the reader, doesn’t see is get into the heads of the characters of the story. It’s like being related to them and living in the same house and just, generally, hanging out with them for an extended period of time. These characters are going to do things in your head that never end up on the pages of your book. They’re going to have discussions and altercations. And, for me the beauty, the attraction of being a writer is that you can continue to have a relationship with your characters long after the story has been finished. Sort of pop in 3 years down the road to find out how things are doing, what they are all doing now. That sort of thing.

I don’t know if other writers feel that way. I do. Maybe I’m weird. Maybe it’s because I channel and I already hear voices in my head. Maybe it’s because when I was learning how to channel I had to really, really try hard to imagine what it would be like trying to force it all to actually start happening.

Anyway, one of the hardest things for me to do was to figure out what to write about and how to construct my characters. Stephen King said in, “On Writing” that he sort of went out into the desert in his head and saw stories sticking up out of the ground. He’d dig them up and go from there. Maybe I could try something along those lines. Maybe there are characters out there who need a writer to write for them. Maybe I should just sit here quietly and allow one of them to come to me. I wonder what that would be like? If I enter into a receptive mood. If I’m quiet and lower some barriers, sort of like hanging a sign out that says, “She’s in the mood”…something will happen. (Sheesh…I can hear guide’s laughing off in the distance…ha.)

Okay, so, this is just an experiment. There’s nothing that says I’m committing to any of it. It’s just for fun. To set the scene for anybody reading this right now, it’s 4:45 am. I’ve been awake for 2 hours. Actually, these are writer’s hours. I’ve kept them for years. You wake up in the dead of night and get your writing done while everybody is asleep. I’m listening to Dr. Jeffrey Thompson’s Brain Wave Meditation CD’s. This particular one is Alert Relaxation Light to Mid Alpha and Mid to Deep Alpha. Very cool stuff for me. I use it when I’m channeling sometimes too. I’m going to be tired at work, but hey, life is short anyway, right? Also, it’s Friday and I can sleep in tomorrow.

Jake. He’s a cowboy. I said I didn’t think so. He said, “Hey, you said you were ready. I’m here.” Jake. What do you look like? I can’t see you. Clearly. I felt your presence. I knew you were a masculine presence. Lonely place. But, not lonely. Just a hermit like person. Like I am. Alone and yet not alone. Content. Likes to feel the day on him. Wakes up in the morning and hears birdsong. Hears little animals skittering around. Gophers, no, prairie dogs. Creaking leather of his saddle. His horse. He’s known this horse just a short while. They work well together or they will given time. He’s waiting. He tells the horse what he wants with his body shifting this way or that in the saddle. The way he tenses his muscles are communicated to the horse. But, the horse hasn’t yet surrendered. No, not surrendered, but invited him to come into his herd. What? This man is one with nature. This man is so in tune with what is going on around him that the intrusion of city life would disrupt the order he’s established. It’s not that he is an extraordinary cowboy. He’s just in tune.

Jesus…am I going to be writing a new age cowboy story? Why not? You asked to meet me. You? You’re Jake? Yes. This is weird. Why? I didn’t think writers were supposed to be talking to their characters. You just said not two paragraphs ago that you wanted to meet me. Here I am. Deal with it. Oh, shit. Nice talk.

Jake? Yes. I’m sorry, but this is really strange for me. I know. I’m afraid to do this. I know. Are you a figment of my imagination or are you real? I’m as real as you are. Why are we talking this way? Because you’re a channel and the muscles you use for your creativity are the same ones you use to channel. It’s why you’re such an odd secretary too and you’ve gotten used to that. Well, you do have a point.